The Rollercoaster

Well it's been awhile. So much has happened in this past month. The weeks are flying by as I work through my last full semester of graduate school lectures. Soon enough I'll be on full-time clinical rotations, in the real world, and facing a lot of financial challenges. Which is why the timing of this journey is absolutely perfect.

This past month, I have had ups and downs when it comes to trying to decrease my spending and find pleasure in the things that I already have. In a way, I have been forced into the minimalism movement. On March 30th, I am moving out of my apartment in Connecticut with no plans to replace it. I will be in Vermont for April and some of May and then I will be living with one of my classmates and very good friends.

With this being the case, I have been selling my furniture and other belongings that don't need to travel with me on Craigslist. I've said goodbye to all my furniture except my mattress and bedside table. The income has been so nice and I've surprised myself by how easily I was able to let things go. But with the income came the thoughts of purchases. The "you just made $500, maybe you should get yourself a pair of black jeans like you've been wanting". Although, I've so far been able to resist those thoughts by walking into my closet multiple times a day and struggling to get rid of ONE thing. The real trouble that I've had is treating myself with food...

I would sell an item and think, "I finally have an excuse to get Chipotle!!!". But it didn't stop there. I would get the Chipotle, which is fine, cravings are normal. But then the weeks passed and somehow I looked at my credit card bill and horrific amounts of my spending focused on food. I would get Chipotle, then maybe a pizza, then Subway for lunch, then I forgot to pack a lunch for class so I had to get a sandwich, then I DESERVED Dunkin Donuts coffee or Starbucks when I had Starbucks coffee ground up at home. Before I even knew it, things were out of control again.

The emphasis of this journey, for me, is on growth, not guilt. I continue to be both expecting and accepting of my slip-ups. I also have been working on focusing on the things that I haven't bought. I haven't once stepped into Marshall's to buy myself a candle or an assortment of other unnecessary things. I haven't purchased an item of clothing and have been focusing on wearing more of the clothes I do own (instead of repeating my favorites). I've resisted many urges and given into few. I've had friends send me links to beautiful outfits and resisted the urge to purchase. I've unsubscribed from all advertising emails (except Victoria's Secret.. just not ready to let that one go yet). I AM TRYING.

My spending has definitely decreased but there's always room to grow. It is March 15 and the next wave of loans comes in early June. It's intimidating to think that there's still about 3 months until my next "payday" but I have $3,000 and my $2,000 deposit coming in April. This may not sound like much, but for the first time in my life, I am not stressing out about money. This is most I've had in a long time and the most I've been able to hang on to for over a months time.

It's been freeing and liberating to empty my head of constant consumerism thoughts. I challenge you to write down every consumerism thought you have for one day. One day, that's it. I promise it's enough to make you want to reflect on if your thoughts are your own or society's input from various advertising methods - word of mouth being the strongest of all. After I participated in this challenge, I almost felt sick... how could I want so many THINGS in one short period? Was I really that unsatisfied with the things that I had already? I needed to start feeling satisfied and occupying my thoughts with things that mattered in my life whether that was focusing on the content of my courses or the conversations that I was having with my peers and friends throughout the day. Clearing your mind and giving yourself space for chosen thoughts is a beautiful thing that everyone should experience in their day. I deserve it, you deserve it.

I am making it a goal to increase the frequency of my postings both to provide a source for growth reflection and to hold myself more accountable for my journey. As I end this post, I meditate on the idea that with your journey, should you decide to take one, you will celebrate your progress and focus on growth, not guilt.

With gratitude,
Cheyenne

Keeping up with the Jones'. A common phrase that gets all too many followers and not enough reflection. A phrase that kept me feeling inadequate, less than, and stressed (financially, physically, emotionally, etc.) for years. A phrase that halfway through my twenty-third year of life, I decided to conquer.

I grew up in a beautiful, suburban neighborhood. An area that professional athletes decided to buy their homes. A city where multi-million dollar homes sat on the radiant shores of Lake Erie. One of the most competitive public school systems in the area. Definitely not an area worthy of pity.

This being all fine and dandy (and I cannot say how grateful I am for it), my family was far from the average in this town. My single mother did everything to afford a small apartment in this perfect city. I guess she thought it better to be amongst the poorest in the best city than the richest in the worst. AND ONCE AGAIN I AM SO GRATEFUL.

Somehow this super-human of a mother found a way to ALWAYS provide me with everything I needed and more. I was always on the soccer teams (both travel and club); I had the coolest Hollister graphic tee's (sometimes a few months after the trend started but still how can you complain?); I got a cell phone in seventh grade and the list can go on. When I was in seventh grade, we also bought our first home. The first home my mother could call her own (no more rent!). It was a one-story, 1100 square foot home in the oldest neighborhood in town but it was ours. Next came the dog (Brady), the car at sixteen, more soccer, more clothes (but now I was working of course), and still everything I could need and more.

I don't want to say that the concept of "keeping up with the Jones'" was engrained in me, but I do have to say that it felt like that was the game most of the time. We lived out of our means; thanks to payday loans, credit cards, etc. But my mother never wanted me to feel as if I was lacking and somehow I still always did.

As I went off to college, at this point almost fully supporting myself (at my own will), I realized that the game continued. I would work 30+ hours a week at my work-study job in the admissions office just to turn around and buy a $125 pair of Dr. Martens boots because one of my friends had just gotten a pair. I was constantly surrounded by clothes, shoes, inanimate objects but my bank account was always empty. I would work so hard during the week but it was never enough. I couldn't keep up and it was exhausting.

Somehow I was always waiting for the next round of loan money to deposit into my bank account; somehow I always had a list of things that I NEEDED to buy with it. Sophomore year it turned into a trip to Costa Rica. Junior year it was a new (to me) car - though I still feel like this one was a necessity.

During senior year I got the best paying job I had yet, a job at Costco. I was raking in $400+ every two weeks and that was extra cash. My loan money was paying the rent and most of the bills. The $400 was for food, fun, living, but mostly unnecessary stuff. Even with this much inflow, I was still always having the empty bank account problem.

Now, nine months into a (very expensive) graduate level program, I have decided that this is no longer the life style for me. I am done stressing out about money and when the next round of loans is coming. I am done allowing myself to think that clothes, shoes, random products from Marshall's, or even food are going to bring me lasting joy. I am hopping off the vicious roller coaster of the financial struggle and learning to embrace the things I currently own. I have decided to find satisfaction in the things that are available to me. I am opening my eyes and heart to gratitude.

I am writing this from a MacBook Air that is less than two years old. I am sitting in a queen-sized bed in an apartment that has heat and running water. My refrigerator and cabinets are full of food; some of which I've had for months but haven't gotten around to making. I have access to the internet full of free exercise videos and entertainment (not to mention a Netflix subscription that my mother pays for). I have a walk-in closet full of clothes; the majority of which I haven't touched in months/years, etc.


Simply out of curiosity, I decided to google, "What percentage of the world doesn't have access to running water?". The first website that popped up had these two facts:


663 million people - 1 in 10 - lack access to safe water

2.4 billion people - 1 in 3 - lack access to a toilet

(World Health Organization and UNICEF Joint Monitoring Programme (JMP). (2015)

Progress on Drinking Water and Sanitation, 2015 Update and MDG Assessment.).

Well clearly it didn't take long to prove that I am VERY well off even without the latest Kate Spade handbag or the latest model of the Mazda 3.

Needless to say, I have started a journey of self-reflection, growth, and gratitude. I've been on this journey for about three weeks now (trust me, it's already felt like forever). It has been challenging, eye-opening, enlightening, but most of all relieving. I cannot wait to share more of this journey with you. I meditate on the idea that my journey will light a spark in your heart if you too find yourself in the losing game of the Jones'.

With Gratitude,

Cheyenne